Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
