I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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