party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
