First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
My vagina just recognized that song.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
