I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
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