saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
