i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Randomize
