Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
