i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
PANTIES FOUND
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
