When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
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I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
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He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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