we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
