While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
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I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize