Are we in a gay sports bar?
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
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