Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
