I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
