Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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