what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
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