You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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