in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
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I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
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Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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