I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
