Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
