I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
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