ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
