my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
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The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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