After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Randomize
