I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Randomize
