I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
