Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Randomize
