I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
new low, shannon just screamed FUCK THE IRISH to a 10 year old's face then proceeded to throw a hotdog at his parents. I think its time i take her home.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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