i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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