just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize
