I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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