I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Randomize
