I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Randomize
