well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
