Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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