We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
