did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
