If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
