And she was only 16?
You say that like it's a bad thing.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
