there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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