Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
