I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
