Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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