I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
