Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
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