Who did Billy Mays play for?
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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