apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
