Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
