Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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