My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
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