looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Randomize
