Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
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