What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
It's rum buckets o'clock
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
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