New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
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