WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
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