He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
Randomize
