So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
