Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
