I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
