I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
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