he puts the penis in happiness.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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