the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
